Cherishing the Moments

So we tried the no nursing routine a few times and it seemed to work. Then it didn’t. As with everything, it takes time. She wasn’t completely ready to stop nursing and you know what? I’m completely fine with that. Sometimes as I’m nursing her down for a nap, I get this sudden fear that this is our last one. Is this the moment? Will this be the day she decides she’s done? I get sad and scared and nostalgic, not wanting my baby to grow up even for a second. That’s when I hold her closer, squeeze her a little tighter and cherish that moment as if it’s my last.

Nursing Her to Sleep No More

We’ve been having a lot of night waking lately and wanting to nurse all night long. I’m pretty sure it’s teething related so it won’t last long.🤞 The plus side is I recently saw an opportunity to start putting her to bed awake instead of nursing to sleep and I took it! Of course, it didn’t last long but I’m hoping I got my foot in the door.

About a week ago she started doing this thing where she’d nurse for a couple minutes at nap times, then roll away to go pet the dog or crawl to the edge of the bed, distracted. I could tell she was tired. But for some reason wasn’t interested in nursing long enough to knock out. One day in frustration I decided to give her a hug and kiss and nicely set her down in her bed saying, “I love you. Have a good nap. Time to go nigh-night!” and LEAVE THE ROOM.

This is something I never ever did with her sister. Any peep out of her and I would pick her up. I was adamantly against CIO and would not let my baby lie there upset while I ignored her. I also didn’t have much choice back then with our living situation. I had no where else to go.🤷‍♀️ But this time I decided I’m not going to be tied down by attachment parenting. I’m going to be flexible and take my freedom back! 😆 So, when baby Mac was showing signs of tiredness but not falling asleep nursing, I had to try something different. And you know what? 5 minutes of crying/whimpering on and off, watching her on the monitor as she sat up in her bed, bouncing her legs, and suddenly she laid down and went to sleep!

She did this for 3 days straight. Every time she needed to sleep, I’d nurse her for a few minutes, she’d roll away from me, I put her down in her bed, walked away with her crying and 5 minutes later she was asleep. IT CAN BE DONE! I thought I was doomed to a life of restless kids and sleepless nights. I thought I’d be laying with my kids until they were asleep for the next 20 years. But it might just happen that this one turns out to be my good sleeper after all.

Ok, ok, maybe I’m jumping the gun a little here. But the point is, there’s hope. Hang in there, Mamas! We might not feel like we know what we’re doing most days, but then there’s days like this when it all seems to fall into place.

The Breast vs. Bottle Struggle – Part 2

I didn’t expect to feel so guilty when I decided to give my baby formula. But for some reason, I did. Maybe it was because I was capable of producing plenty of milk for her. If I could, then I should give her breastmilk only, right? After all, they say “breast is best”.

At 10 months I decided to start supplementing with formula. Not for any medical reason. Not by doctors orders. Not even because I had to go back to work. I did it because I wanted to initiate the weaning process. Was she ready to start? I’m not entirely sure. She seemed to love food. She also seemed to be getting disinterested in nursing. There could have been a number of reasons for that: teething, growth spurts, learning new skills. But I didn’t want to miss her cues, so I went for it. A bottle of formula once or twice a day to break up the nursing sessions. Just a little bit to begin the slow and steady process.

When I told my Mom that I’d started formula she immediately seemed shocked. I felt a tone of disapproval in her voice. I remember hearing “Tsk tsk tsk…that’s how it starts and then it’s all downhill from there.” A week or 2 later we were at a school recital and the baby was fussing. We were sitting in the middle of the second row. I mixed up a bottle real quick and my partner immediately gave me a look. It was a look of disappointment. He started questioning me and saying how he doesn’t get why I couldn’t just breastfeed her right there. I looked at him with a knot in my stomach and said, “I have enough mom guilt without you shaming me for this too.”

Baby Girl is about to turn 1 on Sunday and we’ve gone from nursing 10-11 times a day down to 6-7. If she’s having a rough day, sometimes we’re back up to 10. I still haven’t attempted to tackle putting her to sleep without nursing and she wakes up 1-2 times a night. So, obviously it’s still a big part of our lives.

To be honest, when we did start doing formula, I actually felt like we bonded more. I had to focus more on her because my hands weren’t free to do what I wanted with them. I couldn’t be on my phone or reading a book. I had to hold the bottle and look at her, making sure she wasn’t taking in too much or spilling it down the sides of her face into her ears. I loved the look on her face as she experienced something new. It gave me a new way to connect with her.

So, to all the Mamas out there who are feeling the pressure of breast vs. bottle, I see you. We are all feeling some kind of pressure. Parenting is tough. We want the very best for our child and we worry that we’re making the wrong choices. Just remember, whatever you choose is the right choice for you and your baby. No one can take that away from you.

Breast is Best, Unless

The decision to breastfeed your baby is a very personal thing. There are so many factors involved from the time you conceive to the time you wean. I’ve been very fortunate that both my girls have been champions at it and I was able to be home with them to provide my milk on demand. Exclusively breastfeeding is a wonderful thing. But I know it’s not for everyone.

I used to think that it was easy and came natural because that was my experience. I thought that anyone who stopped early just wasn’t giving it a fair shot and they were giving up too easily. I know now that’s completely not true. It’s such a different experience for each mother, there’s no right or wrong. This time around I did have some minor setbacks which put me in my place. Being admitted into NICU a week after she was born, Mackenzie didn’t have a full appetite. So all the nurses and doctors were asking me how breastfeeding was going, if my milk had come in, did I want to try formula. It was overwhelming to say the least. I became doubtful of my own abilities to produce milk. I didn’t know if my milk had actually come in because I didn’t feel it the way I remembered with my firstborn. I recalled a tingling rushing sensation starting near my collarbones and going downward into my breasts. I kept waiting for that to happen but it never did. I thought, oh no, maybe my milk DIDN’T come in! I became so nervous and anxious about it. The hospital sent up two lactation consultants to talk to me and assist. As if the anxiety of being in the NICU with your baby isn’t enough, now you have 2 women watching you try to feed your baby, taping tubes and bottles to your breast to supplement what might not be coming out naturally.

After watching and consulting, 1 of the 2 women looked at me and said, I think you’re doing fine. You seem to be producing and your latch is good. Just keep doing what you’re doing. So, my advice to new Mother’s is this. Don’t overthink it! Trust in your body’s ability to do what it was made to do. I know not everyone will have the same experience and that sometimes it takes a lot of hard work and perseverance. But keep at it! If breastfeeding is something that means a lot to you, then keep trying. You will be so happy that you did. But if it doesn’t work out for you, that’s okay. Remember that being flexible is pretty much the key to parenting. So do what works for you.

Confessions of a Tired Mother

I was tired. I was frustrated. I’d nursed her every hour and a half today, every time she started to make that noise–that blood curdling screaming screeching noise to get my attention. I have no idea why she’s suddenly decided this is the way to communicate what she wants. On top of that, her sister wouldn’t go to sleep either and their Dad has been sound asleep, mumbling to himself in dreamland, for hours. So I’d been going back and forth from one bedroom to the other trying to get one of them to fall asleep so I could then focus on the other one. One won’t stop talking and the other won’t stop squirming. I wanted to hold her close and rock her to sleep but she was restless. I put her down and sat next to her on the floor while we waited for Sissy to fall asleep, but she crawled away into the hall. I tried putting her down in her bed and she just screamed.

Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I woke up their Dad and demanded he help me. He sits up and says, “What do you want me to do? She’s just going to keep doing that.” I walked across to the other side of the room, leaned against the dresser and said, “I shook her! And unless you want to wake up to me doing it again, I would appreciate some help. I don’t know what to do! I can’t take it anymore.” He got up, picked her up, and I went downstairs.

When I came back up she was crying out what sounded like “mum mah mum mah” and reached for me. So I gave it one last shot. Tears rolled down my face and onto her little chest as I propped her up on a pillow and lifted my shirt hoping to finally nurse her to sleep. I wanted her close but didn’t feel the closeness. The blood curdling screams she had been letting out had worn me down. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was sobbing now as I tried to nurse because of the shame and guilt I felt. She didn’t go straight to nursing. She looked up at me, quiet now, with those deep blue apologetic eyes as if to say, “I didn’t mean to make you cry”, waiting for me to offer her my milk. All I could think of was how I grabbed the sides of her sleepsac and shook her against her bed saying, “Stop it! Stop making that noise!” It wasn’t forceful or harmful, but the feeling of angst I got every time I heard that sound. I thought, “I just want to throw her!” And all I could think was what a terrible person I am for even thinking that. How could I let those thoughts enter my head? I thought about PPD. But I’m not depressed. I’ve been feeling good and happy. I love motherhood!

He tried to console me, telling me it’s totally normal to feel that way sometimes and that there’s nothing wrong with me. Everyone has those moments. But it hurts to think that you love your baby so much but one noise can make you lose your mind like that.

My sweet baby drifted off to sleep that last try. I was finally able to rest. When she woke up again 4 and a half hours later, I calmly nursed her back to sleep. She slept another 5 and a half hours before waking up for the day. I know she doesn’t remember what a rough start we had to our night. But I do. It’s all I can think about. So, today we are spending every possible moment snuggling, nursing, and loving.